What Tiger Woods Should Have Said

It has been an awfully long time hasn't it? We survived the holiday season and massive snowstorms. I have not seen my yard in three months (not that it looked that great to begin with this time of year). I listen and watched the Tiger Woods statement and several people asked me for my comments. I had many. Then I thought about it. There was a whole different statement that Tiger should have made. So I have taken the liberty of re-writing the Tiger Woods statement:

"Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. It has been several months since I attacked a tree with a SUV after downing four doses of NyQuil after Elin found out that I was cheating on her. You have only seen me coming in and out of a rehab for sexual addiction in some horrible place in Mississippi. Let me be the first to tell you that I am not a sexual addict. I am not an addict of any type. What I am is....and I learned this in therapy in a cottage somewhere...a anti-social personality. Yes, an anti-social. I'm sure you morons think that anti-social personality means that I don't associate with people. It does not mean that at all. What it does mean is that I am glib. I am charming when I want to be. I am totally irresponsible. I have no respect for laws or norms. I am shallow. I have no affect. I am criminally versatile. I have poor impulse control. I have no anger control. I manipulate everyone and everything. I also live a parasitic lifestyle. Yes, I am a parasite. I use everyone. In fact, I am using all of you right now. I am using you to try to get back in your good graces. I am using you to get back some of my $100 million endorsement deals. I am using you because...you know what?...because I can. I have been doing it for years. I am a control freak. I use the media to get what I want. I use women to get what I want. I even use steroids that Roger Clemens trainer shot me in the ass with. I live off the life blood of others. I manipulate everything to suit my carnal desires and then some. I have used Elin to make myself look better. I use my kids to make it look like I am a decent dad. I am using my dead dad just for sympathy sake. You all don't understand. I make $5 trillion fucking a year. I don't think I am entitled. I know I AM entitled. I am entitled to whatever the hell I want. Whenever I want it. That's right....King Kong has nothing on me.

Now let's talk about the women. I know that I cheated. Everyone knew I cheated on the Tour. They all cheat on the Tour. They even cheat on the golf course. Anyone seen Vijay Singh lately? John Daly got it all right. He doesn't even try to cover it up. So I have cheated with Hooters girls, hookers, porn stars, psych patients, crazy people, dope dealers, and a Perkins waitress. So it's all there. I chase skirts. Who doesn't? JFK did it. Clinton did it. I'm damn sure Obama is doing it right now. So what's the deal? Everyone seems to be making fun of the fact that I did a Perkins waitress. I will tell you that she was the best of all of them. She cooked me some chicken fingers one time and ate them off my man package. That was awesome. There is not a lap dance I will refuse. Even if the stripper has been doing meth for the last three months straight trying to pay her way through school. It doesn't matter. I am the VIP room.

So I know that all of you are expecting an apology. You know what? I'm not giving you one. The only person I need to apologize is not you all. It's not even to Elin. Though have said that I am sorry to her and...I kind of meant it...sort of...but really the only person I need to apologize to is me. It's me for getting caught in the first place. There is no point in apologizing to anyone else. I don't really mean it anyways.

Everyone wants to know when I am coming back to play golf. That's really all what anyone cares about anyways. You all don't care about me. You don't care about my fake family. You don't care about my children who will grow up to be just like me. No, you don't care. All you care about is when I'm going to bust up my knees to hit a stupid little white ball around a golf course that would have never let anyone who looks like me play on it 50 years ago. So let me say this. I will play fucking golf whenever I feel like it...or whenever all my endorsement money runs out. Whichever comes first. That's all. I'm out."

Monday Driving Songs and Emo Hall of Fame

I had a rough Monday morning. I woke up from a dream and ended up acting like a stoner for the next ten hours. I was listening to songs I added to my iPod on Sunday and became inspired by the following tunes:




"You Don't Know Love"-The Editors

This is from their new album that was released in total silence two weeks ago. This band is slowly turning into the most melodramatic alternative band in existence. The lead singers deep voice omits more foreboding than Rush Limbaugh on any given day. The Editors have taken some sort of detour with this album by going straight to using 80's synthesizers. I wonder if they use Aqua Net hair spray?



"This Must Be The Place (Live)"-Talking Heads

This was from the 80's. I think it was used in the closing credits to the movie "Wall Street." That movie along with "Less Than Zero" and "The Breakfast Club" are the prototype 80's movies that completely exemplified white teenage and young adult pretentious angst to the 400th degree. Of course with "Less Than Zero" I did not know that Robert Downey Jr. was actually playing himself and doing all the drugs--for real.



"Hearing Damage"-Thom Yorke

This is from the "New Moon" soundtrack. Overall, this soundtrack is so incredibly melodramatic even I could not stand it beyond five minutes. Thom Yorke is a perfect fit for the soundtrack if you could understand what he is singing about. Then I have to remember that the whole Twilight book and now movie series is supposed to be completely dripping with emo melodrama that is meant to attract teenage girls like OJ Simpson to a Vegas hotel with a sawed off shotgun.
The whole book and movie series will forever go down in the official "Emo" Hall of Fame that Dippy the Pirate Bear wants to create.



"Scenes From An Italian Restaurant"-Billy Joel

The verdict on Billy Joel's coolness is always debatable. One day he is cool and uncool and the next it is vice versa. His songs describe pretentious pitfalls of fake love in some New York City borough. However, when you hear the songs it all seems real to him. Then again, I have no idea how his career lasted as long as it did. And the story of this song means nothing to me and I would only listen to it again if I was as drunk as Billy Joel was writing this song.



"Human Touch"-Bruce Springsteen

God, this song is so incredibly awful. However, because he IS Bruce he can get away with it. If Billy Joel wrote this song his career would have ended with him playing Vegas shows three blocks from the Strip. This song was released in the early 90s when music really jumped the shark and went into a black hole bigger than Pete Rose's gambling debt.



"In This Light And On This Evening"-The Editors

Again, the deep voice. The 80's synthesizers. The Editors are well on their way to the Emo Hall of Fame. Those that are already there are Trent Reznor, Morrissey, Kurt Cobain, and Robert Smith of the Cure.


"Paradise City"-Guns N' Roses

I wonder what history will eventually say about Guns N' Roses. Their rise and fall helped bring about the end of what appeared to be decent rock music in the 90's. I often wonder what would have happened if Axl Rose had not pulled a Ted Kaczynski and disappeared off the planet and then came back when the rest of the band was dead....oh, they aren't dead? Oh, ok. My point being had the band managed to stay together what would have eventually happened? My guess is that they would be headlining the same lounge act in Vegas at the same hole that Billy Joel would have been three blocks off the Strip.

The great thing about Guns N' Roses was that their first hits were songs that describes the city of Los Angeles in the late 80's and early 90's perfectly--through the eyes of a white long red-headed wanna-be rock god. The songs show the train wreck that Los Angeles was and can be for the ill prepared, drug addicted, and the desperate: Dirty, manipulative, shocking, dangerous, and
fake. The West Coast rappers gave us a different picture of Los Angeles that was somewhat similar but with a stronger perspective. Then they started a war with the East Coast rappers in Vegas and that was the end of that. I love L.A.



"Malibu"-Hole

Ah, Courtney Love. The widow of Kurt Cobain, Emo Hall of Famer. Whatever happened to her? Is she still alive? Is she still doing heroin in a back alley in Portland? Is she still stalking Madonna? Actually, Hole was not a bad band and Love actually could write some killer songs. The last time I listened to this song was on a portable CD player (how so late 90's) in 1998 flying from Greensboro, NC to Chicago where I was going to appear on the Oprah Winfrey Show (yes, this is a true story). The last lines from the song describe most of my past relationships with various train wreck women: "I can't be near you/The light just radiates." The song means as much to me now as it did in 1998. Dating rule #6: Don't date people who are crazier than you are. Trust me. Courtney Love fell victim to this and see what happened?

"Like A Stone"-Audioslave
"No Sound But The Wind"-The Editors
Some emo song about Bella and Edward that I don't know-Some emo artist that I don't know

All these songs are from the Emo Hall of Fame movie "New Moon" (coming out in November!)
They all are melodramatic. They are all insipid. They are all too catchy and messy. The last song is so way way over the top I wanted to run my car into a rescue squad, bite myself on the arm, put the blood into an IV bag, and then find a nice female vampire and give it to her to drink. Of course, I have probably done this multiple times metaphorically. Thanks Stephenie Meyer!

Oh, I no long want to see the two stars from "New Moon" who are in fake real relationship to correspond with their fake fake movie relationship on anymore magazine covers when I go to the grocery store. The relationship will not last. Why? Because they are stars, they are young, and they are probably insane. Anyways, Robert Pattinson (a possible emo Hall of Famer) will get caught in a Vegas hotel elevator with a hooker with only a lamp shade on his head in about six months.


"Closer"-Nine Inch Nails

This is the Emo Hall of Fame theme during the first induction ceremony where they will honor Robert Smith, Kurt Cobain, Trent Reznor, Morrissey, and Stephenie Meyer.

It's Been Awhile

It's been awhile.

I do not know how long it has been since I have posted anything of any substantive value.

It's been awhile.

Did the Lakers actually win the NBA title with Kobe? (Yes.) Did Michael Jackson really die? (Maybe.) Are the Democrats going to keep the governor's mansion in November in Virginia? (No.)

It's been awhile.

I just finished watching the Falcons play and lose to the Cowboys on the nationally highlighted Fox NFL game. The Falcons proved that they will never win a championship in any of our life times. Most cockroaches will not live through to a Super Bowl championship for the Falcons. What does it matter anyways since we are all going to die in 2012 win the Earth explodes or Michael Jackson returns from the dead in the form of Britany Spear's unborn baby that she will have in 2011? Make amends now, I say.

The debacle of the Falcons rests not on the players. Not really on the coaches. It rests in the hands of upper management. As usual. Upper management continues to drink the water in Atlanta. It's the same water that all of Atlanta's sports teams upper management has done since 1966. That is to basically drink the water and make sure they do everything possible to make personnel moves that will insure that their team will never win a championship. Ever. The Falcons decided in their infinite wisdom to not re-sign three starters on defense from last year. One of which is a Pro Bowler (which kind of means nothing, but it proves my point here). This would have been fine had it not been for the fact that the Falcon's defense was not very good last year and were lucky that they were first in the NFL in offensive rushing, thus protecting the fact they could not stop anyone throwing the ball. Now their defense can't stop anyone who has a real NFL offense (the 49ers and Panthers don't have real offenses-they are CFL caliber at best). Keith Brooking, the Falcon's mainstay linebacker who had played for them for 2000 years was dancing around with glee like a 16 year old girl in his nice white Cowboys uniform as they were laying waste to Atlanta like Ice Cube in a LA pot dispensary. Sad. So the vaunted upper management of the Falcons have done what the Hawks, Thrashers, and Braves have done. Spend just enough money to be competitive, but not enough to actually win anything. The Thrashers made their one play-off appearance a few years ago and got swept in four games and scored (I think) three goals. Then they blew the team up and now are in the bottom third of the Eastern Conference. The Hawks finally won a play-off series last season. Then while every other team ahead of them in the conference loaded up, what did they do? They got Jamal Crawford. Do I need to say any more? And does anyone think that the Garrett Anderson acquisition sent the Braves over the top? Really? I want to know. None of Atlanta sports teams are going anywhere except middle of the pack one step above being mediocre. All because of the water that Atlanta's GM's all seem to be drinking which is as toxic as the make-up that O.J. Simpson has been using in prison.

It's been awhile.

Why?

It's hard to say.

Let's just say that I went to Fuck It mode. Everyone has probably had one period of time in their lives where they went into Fuck It mode. It's a mode where you end up not giving a shit about anything that happens to you or anything or anyone around you. You make stupid decisions and as a result you hurt yourself and the ones you love. You are in such a bad space where you have no idea which end is up and you have no clue who the hell you are anymore. For me, I made some crazy reckless decisions. As a result, it was clear that I did not care enough about myself or anyone else to pull out of a downward spiral I apparently was in. That was my Fuck It mode where I had more in common with Lindsey Lohan, Britney Spears, Mike Tyson, and Steve McNair than I did with Tom Brady, Coach Hoodie, and the baby from the E-Trade commercials. I'm deeply sorry for those I hurt along the way.

It's been awhile.

I am now healthier. I am now wiser (I hope).

To those who stuck with me (and you know who you are)...I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for sticking by me. For those who chose to abandon me I want you to know that there is such a thing as a karma and it can be a bitch (just ask OJ and Mike Tyson).

With 3 touchdowns Ricky Williams sure laid down the blunts this past week. Tony Sparano with his sunglasses at night? Yep, he hit the bong.

Speaking of bad porn, Dippy just shot a porn scene in which he was tied to a tree, had orange juice poured on him, and then a swarm of bees.

The Falcons defense is as filled with holes as Tony Montana was after the last scene of Scarface. Truly horrible in a bad porn sort of way

The Falcons should be embarrassed. They are worse than the Raiders. They are as putrid as Dippy after a three week bender of meth.

I am now promising to write one blog column a week. I have no clue what the hell I am going to write about. Anyone have any ideas out there?

I have neglected my blog long enough. I need to take some Ritalin or kitty Prozac or something and start writing something once a week.

Please keep those hockey team ideas coming!!! My fandom of a NHL team is up for free agency. Willing to take a flyer on a real live team!!

I have already gotten one suggestion for an actual real authentic hockey team to root for since the Thrashers are as putrid as bad sex.

My fantasy football teams combined 11-6-1 is as deceiving as the Redskins and Raiders 2-4 records. All the records hide how bad they are.

Cal-Berkeley, a state school, will be taking more out of state students over in-state kids in order to make up for budget cuts. A new low!

Since I am now a hockey fan free agent I am looking for suggestions for a real hockey team to root for where the owners actually want to win

The Atlanta Thrashers owners have screwed over the team by their ineptitude. I am a hockey team fan free agent ready to go for any team.

I am trying hard to decide who I am going to vote for in the Afghan run off. This Abdullah Abdullah guy sounds fun. I'm writing in Dippy.

I did ask very politely that the furnace guy leave his hunting knive, rope, shotgun, and LSD laced pot in his truck before coming in. Fun!!

The furnace fix-it guy came today. He looked like he had pulled an all nighter at a West Virginia truck stop that is also a bad strip club.

I am an Atlanta sports fan and even I want the Thrashers to leave town and move to Hartford. The owners don't care about the team or fans.

The furnace fix it guy just called saying that he will be here between now and next Thursday pm. Right after meeting his parole officer.