Championship Sunday!!!

It is the weekend of Championship Sunday. The Super Bowl participants will be decided in two cold weather cities: Green Bay, Wisconsin and Foxborough, Mass. The temperature at each game will likely be below 15 degrees making the weather a significant factor for the teams playing. I am hoping for a blizzard at both games with visibility down to .0003 miles. The games start at 3 and 6:30 p.m., which really is annoying. Why? Why aren't the games at 1 and at 4? The first game at 3:00 means that I have to spend the first 3/4 of the day doing things for my wife instead of watching "Championship Sunday." This means I will be going to the grocery store, washing the cat, doing her nails, and wrapping my car around the power pole outside our house. By the time the first game starts by brain will be too alert to relax and watch the games because I will not have had time to dull my senses with stale beer and three year old buffalo wings. The last game will end at 10 p.m. which means in my city that there will be no bars open for after game celebrating.


However, it's not like I have a dog in the fight. Actually, that was a bad choice of words considering. My team was headed into the season with a big time college genius of a coach with shaky ethics and lead by quarterback, Ron Mexico. Yes, the Ron Mexico. The Ron Mexico with the multiple law suits for giving women STDs. The Ron Mexico that was trying to pass tree through airport security. The Ron Mexico that has killed more coaches than Tony Soprano has whacked family members. The Ron Mexico whose passing statistics have gone down since his first couple of seasons in the league. Well, Ron Mexico did hundred times worse this year before the season started which spelled the end of the Falcons season and another coach. This time he was indicted and convicted of dog fighting. Now his career in football is over. When he is released from prison all he will be doing is wrestling with fellow degenerate Pac-Man Jones on WWE Smackdown and probably doing porn movies which will lead to a parole violation and back in prison. Mark my words. Ron Mexico will violate his parole. The Falcons coach for this year left for Arkansas before the season ended. His players hated him and he was clearly over matched in the NFL. Then he simply quit after telling the used car salesman of a owner that he was sticking it out the day before. Now my team is a joke again. They were a joke in the late 60's to early 70's. They were a joke for the mid to late 80's. Then a joke in the mid 90's. They had a period of some respectability and then Ron Mexico showed his true colors (or stripes) and did what he does best which is appeal to the debased criminal nature of his anti-social personality. Now, the Falcons are the worst organization in the NFL which is saying a lot when you compare them to the Raiders and the Dolphins. At least those teams have Super Bowl wins.


So with all this in mind I have no rooting interest in Championship Sunday. Actually, if you are believing this then you have not be reading this blog and you should start at the beginning of this blog in December. Yes, it is obvious that I am against the Evil Empire which is the New England Patriots. I am against Darth Hoodie. I am against the NFL's version of Zoolander, Tom Brady. I am openly cheering against them. I hope that they lose. More specifically, I am hoping they lose now. If they make it to the Super Bowl and have a chance to make history by going undefeated I may call a truce, but only for the sake of watching history. So I am desperate. I want the dream to end on Sunday. I am hoping that the distraction that is being caused by the whole Randy Moss scandal (regardless of guilt or innocence) will cause him t0 play like he played for the Raiders last year. Or if there is another Brady pregnancy scare. Or Hoodie taking dancing lessons and getting zapped by the UFO to Venus carrying the TomKat baby. Something. I don't want anyone to get hurt, but I can't live through another Evil Empire Super Bowl trip. If this happens I may have to quit football all together. It will crush my spirit worse than Ron Mexico, driving 110 miles round trip each day, living with two demanding females as the only male, and the 1996 Atlanta Braves combined.


The current lines of the game are interesting and pose a significant challenge given the predicted weather for Green Bay and New England. However, like any good sports gambling degenerate I will make picks even though it is as stupid as teasing a tiger at the zoo after smoking tree.

Giants (+7) over PACKERS
I do not expect the Packers to lose this game. This is likely to be the Vicodin Poster Boy's last run at a Super Bowl. The Packers are playing over their head and managed to avoid having to go to Dallas this Sunday thanks to Jessica and Tony. Now they get the Giants who have a coach who looks like he should be selling peanut shells outside of the local 7-11 store in Brooklyn in order to buy a bottle of Wild Rose. They are lead by Peyton's little brother who has played above expectations by not losing the games he plays more so than actually winning them. The Giants defense has been the unit that has carried them for weeks now after shutting down Tampa and Dallas in successive weeks on the road. The defense will keep them close enough to keep it interesting, but not enough to avoid destiny.....

Chargers (+14) over PATRIOTS
I do not expect the Patriots to lose this game even though I am really hoping that they will. However, I believe that they will win which will create the most anticipated Super Bowl match-up ever when Brett Favre tries to snatch the undefeated season away from the Evil Empire. I just do not think that they will win this game by over 14. I will never trust Norv Turner as a head coach in any game, but I think they are playing the lead up to the game smartly by overplaying how injured LT and Rivers are. If you remember everyone was saying that Gates was not going to play...then he played. Same will be true with LT and Rivers (who is looking more and more like Ryan Leaf everyday). I am impressed by the fact that both Rovers and LT were out significant parts of the game with "injuries" and still won a thriller of a game. It will not matter who plays or doesn't play as the Patriots will still win, but the Chargers will keep it close. This will leave Zoolander enough time to impregnate half of New Jersey before the Super Bowl.

Some Random Ranting

I come home from a short week at work and the TV is on in the kitchen and what do I see? I see video of Britney Spears being loaded into an ambulance and whisked away to a hospital in L.A. where reportedly she was involuntarily hospitalized due to behavioral health and substance abuse problems. Though it would be easy to take shots at Britney I have decided to stand down. To take shots at her would be making fun of someone who has been turning into a rather tragic public figure. A young woman who truly has significant behavioral health and substance abuse issues that have impaired her functioning to the point that for her (and maybe others) safety she had to be hospitalized. Entertainment Tonight described it as a "72 hour lockdown." This depiction of the involuntary hospitalization process is extremely damaging to the public perception of mentally ill or substance abusing individuals. It says that mentally ill people need to be "locked down" when their illness gets out of hand. I have absolutely no respect for entertainment tabloid shows, magazines, and Internet sites that promote the stigma of mental illness as they have in their description of the Britney saga. This saga is bitterly sad to watch and has victimized everyone involved-including Britney's children.



I read today that some rather enterprising women in Arizona are having taser parties. That is a novel idea. Never thought of it, but I wish I had. Invite your favorite people over and take a look at the wonderful taser products. You can even test the products on your "special" friends. You know, the person that stole your boyfriend, the person who got that big promotion at work, your in-laws, your neighbor's angry dog, small rodents, and clowns. They even have (I am not joking about this) pink tasers as well as many other flashy colors. This leads to this potential exchange:

Robber: Give me your money!!!
Taser Handler: Get away!!
Robber: I said give me your money!!
Taser Handler: Get away or I will use this!! (Pulls out pretty pink taser) I mean it!!!
Robber: Wow, that is a pretty taAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (3000 volts smashing into the robbers chest)

Classic. Sign me up.



Last night, the great people in the state of Iowa helped the country take the first step in deciding the successor to President Asterisk. Despite having no reported money (around $500,000 on hand compared to Hilary Clinton's over $40,000,000), Mike Huckabee won the Republican Iowa Caucus in convincing fashion. Huckabee is a pastor and former Governor of Arkansas, which given what we know about Arkansas governors makes him a conflicted and interesting candidate. Barack Obama handily won on the Democratic side. Obama, otherwise known as the Oprah Book Club Candidate (OBCC, for short), is the current senator from Illinois and has not functioned as a senator since he was elected as he has been distracted by running for President since 2000. Obama won in a state that is in middle America and is 95% white. In the grand scheme of things this is a dramatic development. Will it carry him to the convention and a nomination? Hard to say, since he may have to deal with a potential "Tryst with Oprah" scandal soon. I have not decided my endorsement for President yet. Whoever it is does not want my endorsement. I have only endorsed the eventual Presidential winner once since 1980. That was Clinton in 1996. I have a better record picking pro football this year where I was sixteen games over .500 picking every game against the spread. I also want to take the time now to fulfill a promise I made on stage in 1992. That is, to announce that I am running for President in 2012. I announced this campaign in 1992 at a bar in Richmond, Virginia. Now I making good on it. I will be accepting donations. I have plenty of scandals in the closet which I plan to own up to (except the ones that will land me in prison in Arkansas). FOX4NX FOR PRESIDENT IN 2012: THE FINAL COUNTDOWN!!!
My picks for the wild-card weekend:

Redskins (+3.5) over SEAHAWKS
As long as Jason Campbell does not step on the field, the Redskins roll will continue as their defense will shut down the passing game of Seattle. Don't count out the affects of emotions and great defense in the play-offs.

STEELERS (+2.5) over Jacksonville
Jacksonville proved only that they could win in Pittsburgh in the snow in the regular season. The playoffs are a different animal. Pittsburgh feels disrespected by being underdogs at home in this one and will roll over a team being quarterbacked by someone who has never played a playoff game. Not pretty.

TAMPA BAY (-2.5) over Giants
Eli Manning played his best game as a pro against the Evil Empire lead by Zoolander and Coach Hoodie. He will not repeat the same performance in Tampa. This game matters more and Eli will choke like his dad in big games. Hopefully, this will mean that Coughlin gets fired, which will be the best thing to happen to Eli since his mother and father decided to have another kid after Peyton.

Titans (+9.5) over CHARGERS
Norv Turner is not a NFL Head Coach. He is a great coordinator. Not a head coach. He will prove this point this weekend. The Titans find ways to win. It's not pretty, but they find a way. That is all that matters in the play-offs. Bad coaching will kill you and it will kill LT this weekend.

Trojan Condom (-99) over TOM BRADY
Tom Zoolander Brady is off this weekend so you know what that means!!! Let's pray that the condom works this time around.