Dippy was able to get an exclusive no-holds barred interview with Tiger Woods. Tiger granted fifteen whole minutes to this interview and allowed Dippy to ask any question that he wanted. The interview was held in room 108 of the Moon Lite motel just outside of Florence, South Carolina, which is a place where you can pay by the hour.
Dippy: So you are coming back for the Masters. Do you think you can win?
Tiger: Of course, I haven't had sex in two hours. I can do anything. I am amped up now. All I need is some Vicodin and a few women in the hotel after the first round and I am ready to go.
Dippy: Women in the hotel?
Tiger: Of course. I can't expect to win the damn thing without an "outlet." That is what my therapist told me.
Dippy: I don't think that your therapist would suggest that type of outlet.
Tiger: Fuck it. What does she know anyways?
Dippy: She?
Tiger: Of course. I am not gay.
Dippy: That's probably debatable isn't it. You're a sex addict, right? It shouldn't matter who blows you, right?
Tiger: Umm. You got a point. But let me put the record straight. I am not gay. I have not had sex with a man, yet. I will keep my options open, however, just in case. I had affairs. All of them were with women. I have not had sex with a man or an animal. Just women. All types of women. Round women. Flat women. Tall ones.
Dippy: Sorry to interrupt, but do you need a tissue?
Tiger: Am I?
Dippy: You're salivating.
Tiger: No, I'm fine. Where was I?
Dippy: You were talking about the women you have had sex with outside your marriage.
Tiger: That's right. I did little women. Like three feet tall. Really tall women. Asian women. German women. Women from Detroit.
Dippy: Yikes, that's low.
Tiger: No lower than women from Wal-Mart.
Dippy: Good point. Do you really think that you can win the Masters?
Tiger: Of course, I can win. Who do you think you're talking to. I am the best golfer in the world. That slime ball Lefty can't beat me. No one can beat me if I am at my best. The crowd wants me to win. The network wants me to win. I'm sure that I can win. I will eat chips and salsa out of Cink's skull. Better yet, I will smoke weed out of Keith Richard's skull. I will win. Everyone will love me again. Everything will be forgiven.
Dippy: How have you disrespected the game?
Tiger: I really haven't. I just said that because I got caught. Everyone here on the Tour has done exactly what I did. I mean Ernie Els once had fourteen women in one night, drank about 12 shots of Jager, and snorted cocaine off Al Roker's head. And this was all in one night. One night. John Daly is the poster boy for stupid stuff, but he keeps getting busted. Look at him. He's a total train wreck. And look at me. See these guns? I can do five hundred push ups in three minutes.
Dippy: So you have disrespected the game?
Tiger: No. I haven't. I'll tell you who has. Tom Watson.
Dippy: Tom Watson?
Tiger: Yep. That guy took a whole ton of HGH in the three months before the British Open last year. The only reason why he fell apart was because he was up all night drinking beer and playing my game on the Wii.
Dippy: Do you have any proof of this?
Tiger: Tiger Woods doesn't need any proof. Tiger Woods is Tiger Woods.
Dippy: But, that is a really huge accusation against a legend of the game.
Tiger: Like Tiger Woods said. Tiger Woods doesn't need any proof. Tiger Woods knows these things.
Dippy: Have you used HGH or steroids?
Tiger: Tiger doesn't need steroids. Tiger doesn't need HGH. Tiger goes all natural.
Dippy: Like when you're having sex?
Tiger: Tiger doesn't like that smart ass question. Tiger Woods should probably punch you in your bear face. How about them apples?
Dippy: Look Eldrick. I am not afraid of you. I can ask you any question I want. You can't censor me like you censor all of the golf beat writers that you have made scared that you won't grant them access.
Tiger: No one calls me Eldrick. Call me Tiger. Tiger says that you call me Tiger. You got that you emo vampire kid.
Dippy: So how do you think the fans will react to you when you walk the 18th hole at Augusta?
Tiger: They will cheer me as always. All these lemmings care about out there is that I am out there sweating my black ass off chasing that stupid white ball around. That is all they care about. They don't care about me. They don;t care about Tiger. They didn't care about Tiger Woods knees and broken leg. All they wanted was to see me hit that white ball all over the place. That is it. So they will cheer me. They better cheer me.
Dippy: Or what?
Tiger: I will go after them with an eight iron. I will sleep with their wives and cook on their grill. Boo-Ya!!!!
Dippy: You sound like you have disdain for the fans out there.
Tiger: They are slaves. Just like me.
Dippy: How can you refer to yourself as a slave? You play a game. It is not even a sport. You are not an athlete. You play a country club game and you make four billion million dollars doing it?
Tiger: What color is Tiger?
Dippy: What do you mean?
Tiger: What color am I?
Dippy: You're mixed. You are not any color.
Tiger: No. You are wrong. Tiger is black.
Dippy: Whatever you say, Eldrick.
Tiger: I told you. You never call Tiger by that name. Tiger says that you call Tiger by his right name. Tiger. That is my name. Next time you call me Eldrick Tiger is going to beat the stuffing out of you.
Dippy: Funny, Eldrick.
Tiger: I'm warning you.
Dippy: Eldrick.
Tiger: That's fucking it. You stupid bear.
(Sound of table being pushed over. Glasses breaking. Random screaming. Sounds of automatic gun fire)
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